A Moment in the Life of an Autism Mom
Saturday October 17th, 2009 // Written by Andrea
Today was a gorgeous fall day so we took the kids for a walk in the wagon. On our walk we came across a mom and her son on their way to the playground. As soon as the boy caught sight of the wagon he came running over. He crouched real low walking behind the wagon and watched the wheels as they turned. And when Odum stopped to say hi the boy started to push the wagon to keep it going and didn’t make any effort to say hi.
He followed us for a good ten minutes just watching the wheels. The whole time the mom was trying to persuade her son to go to the park to no avail. To me it seemed like the boy may have had autism or a sensory seeking issue like Tristan. I tried to make a little conversation saying “oh he really likes wheels”. And she said “ya he loves watching wheels”, in an effort to let her know I understood I told her Tristan loved watching wheels too. I really wanted to chat and ask this mom if her little guy had autism, but I didn’t want to offend her if I was wrong, or if he hadn’t been diagnosed. But just the look in her eyes told me I wasn’t wrong, because I know I’ve had that look in my eyes too. The look that is vulnerable, that please don’t judge my child look, the defensive yes he like wheels what do have to say about it look, and the knife to the heart look when you see younger kids behaving “normal”.
A few weeks ago I had a similar experience with Tristan. We were playing in the park outside our house and a bunch of trucks had been left out. So of course Tristan made a bee line for the trucks and started to line them up. Another boy and his mom where out too and the boy tried to play with Tristan. Tristan wasn’t having any of it and I made Tristan give up at least one truck to the other boy. I learned that the boy was two and he kept asking his mom what Tristan was doing. This was a knife in the heart moment for me. This kid was a year younger than Tristan and able to communicate with his mom, and did so by asking what was up with my child. I didn’t want them to judge Tristan or make fun of him for how he was playing. And for a split second I wished that Tristan would be able to share the trucks and play with another child.
Don’t get me wrong I know Tristan will get there and if he’s lining up trucks until he’s 20 that’s fine with me, I love him unconditionally. I’m just writing to give you an insight into what us parents with kids with autism go through. So if you see a child at a park or where ever and they are doing something a little unusual, have an open mind and open heart. What they’re doing may be soothing to them if they have sensory issues, they might not have learned some social cues yet and they may still be working on some self help skills. What they’re doing isn’t bad or wrong or weird it’s just a bit different than what you’re used to. As parents we all want our children to be accepted and understood and this couldn’t be truer for parents of kids with autism. I think next time I see that mom I’ll say something so she knows that I know and that Tristan and I think watching wheels is the coolest thing in the world to do.
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I think you have a beautiful outlook on Autism. Look at the way that it has made you a mother who can be so observant and empathetic as to see another mother and child still in that period of hopelessness, the period where all you want is for everything to be NORMAL.
What is normal though?
Its a cliche of course but its so true.
One of my eldest boys classmates has cerebral palsy and also displays aspergers traits.
She definitely cannot read body language and has no concept of personal space. Because of this she often plays with the younger children, even when she has come to ours to play its my younger kids she tends to gravitate towards.
Her mother is very shy and always worried about how things seem…when she had a play date with us and I said to pick her up @ 2pm (so she was here @ 4hrs with lunch)she asked me several times “are you sure ?? I can pick her up earlier? Its no problem!”
I practically had to throw her out the house! lol.
Anyway of course it was fine, she was hard work near the end, asking the same questions again and again, needing help off Ollies deck bed every few minutes, but it was fine.
I love following your blog and seeing how your journey with Tristan pans out. Its opened my eyes to the spectrum and made ME more observant in the park and in town.
I try and encourage my kids to go say hi and play with the child the other kids are shunning.
There is much to be found in all relationships and I hope they continue to understand that as they get older.
I hope you get to extend a hand to the mum in the park who’s little boy loves wheels, I hope you get to tell her its not a frightening place to be.
Autism has given you the gift of not being the “perfect” mum with the “perfect” kids, Tristan will be able to be himself without the cage of “what is appropriate”.
You guys are strong enough and that’s why you have him xx
Kelly – I’m in tears reading your comment. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much. I love that you follow our blog, your comments are always insightful and thoughtful. I love having a cheerleader so far away! What an incredible role model you are to your boys! As someone who used to be Type A personality and all about the pursuit of perfection, I have learned perfect has many different definitions.
As a mother of another wheel lover, i felt as though i am reading about myself and my daughter.
we are still waiting for diognosis but as her mum, i know all is not as it should be.
our first appointment is in 3 weeks time and i am busy serching any family history and filling out CHAT forms to help arm me with all the information i can litterally throw at them!! I look forward to reading how your follow up appointment goes! keep enjoying your kids for the amazing little individuals they are, wheel spinners or not lol x
Michelle, thanks so much for your comment. Every mom that I talk to has said the same thing, the diagnosis was just more of a formality, deep down they knew. But I still held onto hope that it would be something else. For us the diagnosis wasn’t the start of our journey it was just a necessary roadstop to get access to services. I hope your appointment goes well and your Dr is understanding and informative, it sounds like you’re going to be well prepared. Regardless of the diagnosis, they’re still the same kids you walk into the appointment with and you love them as unconditionally as ever. I hope you keep us updated and let us know how it goes.
It is those moments when you are out and about and you see another parent in the same place as you are that you realise “I’m not alone” and they are good moments. Now matter how difficult it gets and how others judge we are not alone, It is infinitely reassuring.